Now– on to something TRULY important. Something that has had a massive impact on our culture and, to some extent, our daily lives. Something that constitutes an ongoing process– an American institution. Something that may, one day, give rise to a kind of “new religion.”
I’m talking, of course, about Star Wars.
Question: Who wrote the original script for the movie Star Wars?
If you said “George Lucas” then, my gullible friend, you are quite surely mistaken.
I know… I know… I know. I have seen the “hand written” notes. The annotated script. The grimy pages dripping with George’s own sweat and maybe some ketchup from takeout. I’ve seen the “proof” that he wrote it. I’ve heard the expert testimony from friends and relations saying that he spent so much and time and energy writing that darn screenplay.
I don’t believe a word of it, and if you re-watch Star Wars and really pay attention, you won’t believe it, either.
Why do I believe that Lucas DID NOT write Star Wars? It’s not because he’s NEVER written anything else even remotely as coherent. No. It’s not because all the other Star Wars films were so inferior to the orginal. No. It’s not because the “prequels” were not inferior to the original, but occupy an entirely new catagory of junk which is labeled by a word borrowed from the Japanese– benjo.
The prequels were a big, steamy, sinking pile of benjo.
Covered with flies.
No, it’s not even the very real disasters that have befallen the Skywalker clan in recent years, where several films have been made, and hundred of millions of dollars spent, in order to show a true hero of the rebellion sucking a giant green tit…
No, what makes me believe that Lucas is a big, fat (sorry) liar is that the original story appeared in the first movie, and then vanished. The second film did not continue the same story. None of the other films even referred to the same story. It just went away.
So what do I mean by this outrageous statement?
The professor will now expound.
In the original Star Wars, a mighty empire is attempting to exterminate a rebellion. But the rebels are young, idealistic and kinda stupid. They hate the empire because it is not legitimate– but they really don’t know why, and neither do we, the audience. But the constant references to a “republic” remind us of ancient Rome. On planet “Earth.” The author of the original Star Wars knew a lot about Rome and the way that they thought about politics. The mystery author refers to “Roman” politics several times. But in that distant galaxy where Skywalker is chasing womp rats, the legacy of an ancient guild of warriors called “Jedi Knights” hangs heavily over the entire enterprise, and kinda f’s up the whole idea that the princess and her adorable ‘droids are trying to re-establish a “republic.”
The ancient Jedi were true heroes. They were “knights” so they came from a ROYALIST society where kings granted knighthood. Not a republic. Not an empire, either. Knights come from Kings and Queens. Unless we were assume the whole thing is “Japanese” somehow, but that assumption throws off the whole feel of this imagined universe. It’s a way to go, though. If you didn’t write the first movie and desperately need to write more movies to take advantage of the biggest hit in movie history. Yeah. Maybe it’s about JAPAN. Sure. Like KUROSAWA.
I’m calling benjo on that.
One of the old knights has grown tired of messy republican politics and adopted a cool black outfit. His name is Darth Vader. He is old but powerful in the old, mystical ways of the ancient knights. He fought for the republic in the clone wars, but now he hates republics and wants to return to a monarchy– but that only thing close to that is an empire with a powerful emperor. Not a king, no, but the next best thing.
He is a villain but his motives are reasonable. He wants to go back to a “better” system. Monarchy. He sees the possibility of this in the new powers granted the Imperator by the Senate.
Whoever wrote this damn thing knew about Roman politics as well as Western Civilization up to 1789. They took some classes. Read some shit. Knew that an emperor is a very different thing from a king, and wrote that into the script.
Unlike George Lucas, who could identify the first U.S. king from his picture on a dollar, and maybe a quarter (but he’d get back to you on that). I mean, that old granny on the quarter is Susan B. Anthony, right?
Obi Wan Kenobi ALSO promotes monarchy. Elements of it (such as the “princess” from Alderon) still exist but they are being supplanted by republican/imperial ideas. He tells a sad story, about something called “The Clone Wars.” What were they? What THE HELL were they?
They were wars to fight CLONES. What clones are worth fighting in a war? THE CLONES OF KINGS. Of-freakin’-course. I mean, Jeez, you’d have to be as dumb as George Lucas to miss that. A monarchist system CANNOT tolerate clones of royalty running around. The clones all become rivals for the throne.
So… (wait for it)… CLONE WARS.
But the Jedi– the King’s personal guard and companions– were wiped out by a group of sell-outs who embraced “The Dark Side of The Force.” What is this dark side? Surely it has to be something so powerful that it outweighs honor, even the heart of a knight. What can it be…?
If only that question had been answered, but it wasn’t because George Lucas fired the original writer, claimed that HE wrote it and began a lifetime of lying.
I suggest that reasonable “dark side” could be constructed from the well-known phenomenon of addiction. Some knights were blinded by something– The Dark Side? — that caused them to want more of that– to NEED more of that, even at the expense of betraying everything they held dear. Hence that scuzzy way that Vader was treated by certain members of the Imperial General Staff. He was a recovering addict, and some people really feel the need to dump on those in recovery, who have come back with their tails between their legs, on the chance they MAY be able to see an “empire” where a Kingdom once stood.
Who killed the Jedi? The goddam Republic, that’s who! The Jedi fought AGAINST the republic. They were the guardians of peace and justice in the OLD KINGDOM.
But Ben Kenobi SAYS it was The Olde Republic… right? Yeah, well Ben lies a lot. This a another lie. It’s just close enough to being “Roman” to fool us, the audience on planet Earth, but it makes NO SENSE. Who sends a princess to ask for help “for her father” if not a king? Who? I axe ya. WHO? Kenobi fought with the princess’ father, King Bumblebutt, in the Clone Wars and saw the Monarchy fall. The Jedi were hunted down and all the true heirs to the throne were killed.
Except for one…
Why does Ben lie to Luke? Because Luke is Once and Future King…
… information that must remain secret for now, even at the risk of brother and sister making little skywalkers in the cargo bay.
One true heir… an infant… was taken by one of the Jedi. The knight’s name was Anakin Skywalker and he claimed the boy as his son. He left him to be raised by a loyal yeoman, who knew nothing of the child’s royal blood. Skywalker intended to return and restore the child to the throne but was murdered by Darth Vader before he could complete his mission.
It’s a story that mixes ancient Rome and modern science shit and King Arthur. How could it fail? Well, actually, it didn’t. This movie was DA BOMB.
… and then George Lucas tried to write two sequels and three prequels when he didn’t know the story… and the rest is benjo to the max.
Who wrote Star Wars? The most likely candidate is Alan Dean Foster. He wrote the original Star Wars novel (which was also claimed by Lucas until he finally admitted the truth). But it MAY have been somebody else. Maybe it was Mrs. George Lucas. Marcia Griffin. Yeah. She drew all those paintings with those kids with big eyes and then here husband robbed the credit, and then she married that lying sack of shit, George Lucas…